Saturday, November 26, 2005

Wake Me Up When November Ends.

Ugh… it’s incredible how time goes by unnoticed when the daily routine overwhelms ones attention. Since my last entry I’ve married off my sister, spent some time in Ireland, and was passed over for the role of the next incarnation of James Bond… your loss you crumpet munching wankahs! What can I say, no rest for the wicked huh? So, I’m back briefly just to let people know that I AM still alive, that I haven’t been marooned on a mysterious island, that I haven’t been abducted by alien visitors, and that I wasn’t chained in my parents basement… well, not THIS year anyways.

And now it’s Thanksgiving, a time to celebrate all that we have in our lives that truly matter; our wonderful families, our fantastic friends, and the ability to grow a kick-ass 70’s man-stache… oh , wait… that last one’s on my Christmas list… never mind.

So before you slip into your obligatory gravy-induced Tryptophan coma, I would call on everyone to take a moment of reflection to remember what each of us has to be thankful for, not only on this day but all year long, before we become whipped up into a fad-focused frenzy of the consumer-stampede that is the Yuletide season when we are all too easily anesthetized and hypnotized by brightly colored blinking lights, halcyon dreams of glistening candied delights, and visions of a gloriously luxurious stache!

Now pass me my plate and get me the plunger… I gotsta make room for that last piece of pumpkin pie!


Monday, May 30, 2005

Sunset on Manhattan (sounds like a chick flick huh?)

NYC 05-29-05

OK… it’s been over a month since my last post but truth be told I just haven’t had anything much to blog about.

I saw Star Wars Episode 3 (but I would need a whole other blog and/or message board to adequately expound on that fun but flawed film), I went to a Yankees game for Mother’s Day, and now I have a belly full of BBQ ribs, German potato salad, and lots of beer!

So I thought I ‘d share a lovely photo from my delightful federally mandated holiday experience. I hope you all had a fun Memorial Day weekend!


Friday, April 22, 2005

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!

Smoke 'em if you got 'em!

Cigarettes make everyone cooler! Even members of other species. Just look at how much cooler that chimp is with the cigarette. Don’t believe me? Just run on down to your local zoo and take a look at all the run of the mill, everyday, non-smoking chimps you can find and you tell me that suave simian isn’t getting all kinds of monkey ass!

This finally proves to me that “Planet of the Apes” was not just a film but a warning sent to us from the future! If these chimps can learn to imitate one of our worst habits, like inhaling fire into our lungs, what’s next? All we can do is lock up the gun cabinet, hide the Jack Daniels, and for the love of god keep them away from the French! They can smoke now and they didn’t bathe to begin with which means they’re halfway to learning how to sing “Frère Jacques” already!


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss!


Holy Smoke! There’s something very Emperor Palpatine-ish about this guy. We’ll find out if he starts turning the church around on that whole cloning thing and has the Swiss Guard wearing giant red terry cloth bathrobes.

Oh well, as long as we don’t have any inquisitions, crusades, or more Star Wars prequels before we do this whole smoke signals bit again we’ll be alright.


Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Real Life Risk

Real Life Risk!

Off the coast of Dubai, capital of the United Arab Emirates, a company called Nakeel is constructing “The World” a group of 300 islands modeled after the continents of the globe. These islands are to be sold off individually for several million dollars each. The Kuwaitis have already bought Australia, but Israel and Palestine aren’t for sale cause they don’t exist, you know, for uh… design purposes… and design purposes only!

All of which I think is a total waste. A waste for one of the greatest opportunities in history… to stage a giant version of the board game RISK! Imagine a reality game show where 2-6 contestants, ages 10 and up, control an ever increasing amount of swimsuit clad armies who travel from island to island competing in tests of physical aptitude, gastrointestinal fortitude, and an utter lack of personality or sense of shame. It would be AWESOME! But nooo, they have to sell them to hoteliers and investors and not evil geniuses like myself. Where the hell else are we supposed to build our secret lairs huh? In a volcano? Um, I don’t THINK so!

Anyway, my beautiful dream ended before it ever got a chance to reach fruition, all because of those crafty Kuwaitis. Everyone knows that Australia is the key to victory. You hold on to that baby and you can just sweep the map. I mean, it’s a whole additional 2 men per turn!

Our only hope now lies with the Ukraine. The Ukraine is not weak! The Ukraine is STRONG!


Monday, April 11, 2005

A true sign of aging

Well it happened… I am faced finally with the inevitable proof that I am no longer the bright-eyed youth I used to be. No this realization did not manifest itself physically. It wasn’t an alien and intrusive gray hair, or a sharp arcing pain in the joints, neither was it the squinting and straining of the eyes to perceive that which was once clearly seen.

No. I got my ass whooped at JOUST. Yes, my favorite childhood video game, which I painstakingly mastered over endless hours while sitting in front of the family television. Once, I gracefully and effortlessly guided my pixilated avian steed high into the dark virtual air, soaring over my villainous opponents, righteously knocking them from off their foul vulture-like mounts with my gilded jousting lance, and in glorious victory I stalwartly swooped in to claim my enemy’s oviform prize. I faced down gigantic slavering pterodactyls terrorizing the vast expansive firmament and even thwarted the searing hatred of demons dwelling in their molten realms reaching out to pull those unwary souls down to burn forever in the scorching hellfire. With these halcyon memories forever emblazoned in my heart you can imagine my excitement when upon visiting a friend I discover amongst the game selection the very gem of my Atari experience. Well I loaded that puppy up grabbed the controller and prepared to unleash a little old-school shock-and-awe on all those lucky enough to witness 8-bit perfection!

Then the sky fell. No matter how hard or how often I pressed the button to flap my airborne ally’s wings it all came to naught as my evil opponents, time and again, removed me from my saddle, devoured me whole, or sent me spinning wildly out of control to fall and incinerate in the flame’s demonic grip! Valiantly I resisted, taking as many of my foes with me as I could, however, my Sisyphean situation turned to the utterly hopeless and I was forced to concede my harsh reality. With a sense of heavy resolution I exited the menu, placed the controller down, and turned off the game.

As the ancients noted “Sic Transit Gloria.” However, not all luster is found lacking and not all glories truly fade. So I am left not with a defeated sense of lost faculties but the affirmation that what once mattered so much, what was held so close to our hearts, that glittering precious brilliant thing that used to define us, does not fully measure the breadth of our existence.

But we’ll see what I have to say when my first gray hair appears to whisper softly of fleeting triumphs.

And after all, there’s always Ms. Pac-Man!


Tuesday, April 05, 2005

What do you mean this isn’t the Matrix?

Damn… I went out, bought a new leather trench coat, some badass shades, and these VERY uncomfortable black vinyl pants! I even took a red pill and everything! Great, now I’ve gotta return all this crap to that stupid goth store at the mall… hey… it wont come off… oh god, help… the zipper’s stuck… son of a…